darling_q (darling_q) wrote in depressionsux,
darling_q
darling_q
depressionsux

Hi. I'm new to this community. My name is Malin and I’m 17.

I've been feeling quite bad for the last year. It started in a new school [i think it's something like high school but we have a different school system so...]
It just started with a general not knowing what I should do in my life. My friends weren't such good friends after all, love them but they can't bring me what I need. and that makes me feel like I'm asking to much of them.
I've been bullied a bit in my life. Didn't even notice it as bullying and just kept on going. Then I became more insecure and all the bad things people said to had started to make a bigger hole in my self-image

I still have some issues with accepting that I'm depressed. You can be depressed in so many ways and where I live people constantly say that they are depressed so the whole meaning of it has changed. It's like all those teenage girls who are like "My mom don't let me watch TV when I want to and she totally hates my boyfriend and know I'm grounded so I cut myself"

I'm not like that. I don't know where I went wrong and how I changed from a bubbly nice and sweet person to a total failure. It's really frustrating. I don't know how I should feel and I feel guilty when feeling bad. I just want to be left alone with my sorrow and then again not...

I've been going to a social-worker to talk about my problems. She says that I don't suffer from a classical depression because I find times of joy, but I don't know if I'm faking it because I don't want people to believe I'm just another attention seeker. And If I could I would just lay around in my bed doing nothing but I can't do it because of all people. I can't disappoint my mom or whole family with my depression. I have to struggle with life and it's even harder than just laying around

Yesterday I cut myself really bad. I was drunk at a friend’s party and I somehow found a knife and... I can't really explain. I feel really dumb for doing it. And I don't understand why I did it while at the same time it seemed so totally logical. There where so many people I didn't know and I could se how they disliked me and I felt so stupid and ugly.

That's about me. It isn't so logical and I don't understand it myself either. I just want everything go away as it was a bad dream and wake up as a better person.
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